


Why do you question my feelings ?

by AbbyGibbs



Category: Murdoch Mysteries
Genre: Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode Related, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, I Love You, I cannot imagine my life without you, Love Confessions, Love at First Sight, Male-Female Friendship, Season/Series 02, happiness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-19
Updated: 2019-04-28
Packaged: 2020-01-16 11:15:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18520351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AbbyGibbs/pseuds/AbbyGibbs
Summary: William is confused by the dream he's had. When he felt a hand on his shoulder and turned on his back it had been Julia. What if, Murdoch decides he was some explanation about the reasons Julia pushed him away?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Author: AbbyGibbs
> 
> Disclaimers: Well, I do not own them. Everything belongs to the creators of Murdoch Mysteries and to Maureen Jennings who created the characters in the first place. I'm just borrowing William Murdoch and the others for the time of a story.
> 
> Classification: hurt/comfort/romance
> 
> Pairing: William/Julia.
> 
> Rating: T that can change into M at some point (as always to be on the safe side, isn't it?)
> 
> Spoilers: none. Though, this has been inspired by episode 9 of Season 2 "Convalescence"
> 
> Author's note: I have to admit, I'm a probie for this show, but I really love it and I just love the interaction between William and Julia and in my opinion they could easily becoming a great couple even though now have her with Garland (yikes) what a waist. But thank goodness he isn't in my story. I can't explain why but there is something with Darcy Garland that is bothering me other than the fact that Julia like him. It's my first fic for this fandom.
> 
> This is unfinished, I know but I decided to post it, maybe some encouragement will help me finish it or even get new ideas for it. Thanks in advance for your help.
> 
> Thanks also to Yannick Bisson, Hélène Joy and all the other actors for giving life to the characters.
> 
> Feedbacks: well, I'd love them, of course – who wouldn't? But please, only if you respect my work because it takes a lot of time and energy to get a story together. I love writing; I wouldn't allow anyone to discourage me from doing so, never. I don't have any problems at all with readers who choose not to go for this, but I decidedly do with those who write disrespectful mails just because they didn't get the ending, they would have wanted. If you want to tell me what I might have done better within the story I made up, you're always very welcome to let me know. But if your only concern is to rant about it, then please, do it in private, okay? Thank you.  
> But those who like it drop a review, please!

**_Chapter one_ **

_"Why can't we always be like this?"_

_"Because we want different things. You want children, you want a family."_

_"I only want you."_

_"That's not true, William, and you know it."_

_"All I know is that I've never loved anyone like I do you."_

_"You never love the same way twice, but you will love again. Love is like gravity, William; you have to let yourself fall."_

_***_

Since he'd had that dream, Detective William Murdoch couldn't stop his mind from thinking about it. Why had he had such a dream? There was an easy explanation for it, the drugs Miss Burgess had put in his food. An easily found excuse. There was more to it. William wasn't sure though; he was ready to handle the truth behind the dream and it troubled him.

_Was he telling the truth to Julia in the dream? Did he only want her? Or was she right, and did he, actually want more? Was he subconsciously looking to fall in love with another woman, a woman that would want children because he wanted some?_

Murdoch didn't know. He felt confused. Since Lisa's death, Julia Ogden had been the first woman he had allowed himself to get closer to. And then, when they finally gave in to their feelings. He had felt really happy. He had been given a second chance.

He felt complete again. And now, William's world had crumbled down around him once more. since they'd found Lillie Dun's body.

The day had started so well…

He had loved it when Julia had surprised him in his office just to kiss him. It had felt so good. She had offered him the bullet extractor she had bought for him. William could hardly believe it. They'd kissed again and then Higgins had opened the door. The charm was broken.

Constable Higgins couldn't help the smile that had appeared on his face then, they had both been so cute when he had caught them red-handed.

He told them a body had been found. Lillie Dun, poor woman, had bled out. As they found out during their investigation. Miss Dun was expecting her boss's baby, Mr. Bixby, and of course he didn't want to anything to do with it. He had made it clear to her she had to take care of it. Lillie had felt so helpless and sad. The poor girl couldn't think of anything else to do other than to ask someone to help her abort the child she was carrying. If they had to believe the victim's mother Lillie couldn't afford it. She guessed her daughter must have gone in search of someone that would be able to help her anyway.

Not finding anybody, Lillie decided to take the matter in her own hands. She had heard about some oil that, could help and took just a tiny bit of it, but the results of it were catastrophic and led to her death.

Not a case Murdoch liked to be reminded of, he and Julia ended their relationship after it. Dr. Ogden thought he wasn't honest with himself when he said that what matter the most for him was them to be together. At least that's what she had understood out of their conversation. "It's not because you're not agreeing with a person that you have to break up with that person."

Could two people really stay together when they have different opinions on such sensible subjects?

These memories had a tendency to resurface on a regular basis.

The more he thought of it the more William was starting to think the problem wasn't his way of thinking, his opinions or even his religious belief, but that it was something else entirely.

Julia was the one having a problem with what she had done, all these years ago. The fact that she had chosen to end her pregnancy to be able to go to medical school. A difficult choice to make. She assumed it proudly, but now, after all these years, the Dun case had awakened the memories she had so successfully buried inside her. came back to the surface… she had to live with the consequences. Deal with the emotional part of it all even if Julia seemed to acknowledge the matter.

Murdoch knew for certain it was something she would never admit to anyone.

That Dr. Tach had saved Julia's life didn't erase the fact that in the eyes of the law the man was a criminal. It didn't matter if William could or could not understand the man's motives or the fact that he was grateful for saving Julia Ogden's life.

All if it didn't matter. Tach was a criminal and he was a policeman. Why was it so difficult for her to understand?

What Julia had chosen to do in the past didn't change his opinion of her. He did not love her less for it. He loved her for who she was, and was determined to make her understand that, all he needed was for her to give him a chance.

 

TBC..


	2. Chapter 2

**_Chapter two_ **

Dr. Julia Ogden was cleaning and storing things up. The autopsy of Mr. Thomason was finished, and he had been released for burial. The poor man died from massive internal bleeding caused by an accidental fall.

Tiding things up on shelves, flashes of moments she's spent with William pictured in her mind. She missed him, missed being able to kiss him, being intimate with him. They hadn't slept together, but there was more than one kind of intimacy, like the way they used to look at each other, their lengthy discussions, she missed his explanations on some subjects, she missed his enthusiasm when he was fascinated by something. William Murdoch was a special man, he was handsome, sweet, and so smart, but he also was stubborn, and, to him, justice was everything. No matter what he had to do to catch a criminal, Detective William Murdoch would do it.

At times, it was a part of Murdoch's personality she hated, while at others, she loved it because it was part of who he is. Julia would never have thought that one day she would miss a man the way she missed William.

_Why were relationships between men and women so complicated, why couldn't things just be easy for once?_

Julia closed her eyes and once more, like it had been the case since they'd split up, William appeared in her mind. She saw the two of them laughing. William was approaching her, and with a soft smile, he placed his lips tenderly on hers and she lost herself in the fantasy. She didn't hear that someone was calling her name. The person repeated her name again but got no reaction.

"Dr. Ogden?" A familiar voice called her softly.

The legist didn't react thinking that someone was calling her in her day dream.

"Julia?"

She opened her eyes slowly as she felt a hand on her shoulder, Julia looked dazzled over at the person calling out her name.

"William!" She said startled to see the man of her thoughts standing in front of her.

"Julia, are you alright?" The detective asked with a slight worry audible in his voice.

"Yes... Yes..." Dr. Ogden replied a little too fast.

Not really satisfied by her answer, William Murdoch looked at the woman facing him, very carefully, scrutinizing her.

"Detective, you are making me feel very uncomfortable," Julia told him as she lowered her eyes to look down at the floor.

Murdoch fidgeted with his hat; he was holding in his hands since he had entered the morgue.

"I'm sorry Julia, it's just that..." William looked at his hands before he looked at her again searching her eyes. "I feel like you are not telling me the truth."

Julia Ogden's eyes widened in surprise at his words. "And what exactly makes you think that, Detective Murdoch?"

Murdoch slightly winced at her reaction. "I am not insinuating you're lying, Dr., I'm just thinking that you're not telling me everything. Your answer was very quick, that's why I think that you're withdrawing things..."

 _What I'm holding back, William, is that I miss you so much it hurts, and each time, I see you all I want to do is kiss you,_ Julia thought.

"No, I'm not holding anything back from you." She insisted.

"I would like to talk to you about a personal matter..." William Murdoch started slowly.

The pathologist's eyes saddened as she asked him "Shouldn't you discuss that personal matters with Enid Jones?"

"That is precisely the matter I wanted to talk to you about..." He answered her, looking straight in her eyes which surprised her. Normally, he would have looked somewhere else then, anywhere actually but her blue eyes.

Dr. Julia Ogden felt her heartbeat go faster.

Moving slightly closer to him, her eyes went from his eyes to his mouth and back to his eyes again, before throwing her arm around his neck and kissing him passionately. Her fingers tangled in his short, very well-cut hair. William's hands slid around her waist and pulled her closer to him to deepen the kiss, making the doctor moan softly.

"Julia?"

"Hmmm?"

"I was asking you if you would care to take a walk with me so we could talk." William told her.

Ogden looked at him a few seconds then tilted her head to the left a little and smiled as she answered. "Why not, let me just get rid of my apron and put on my hat and I'm all yours. I... I mean and then we can go." Julia said, looking elsewhere.

The last part of the sentence Julia said before correcting herself hastily didn't fell into deaf ears, and he couldn't help the small, discreet smile appearing on his lips.

**000**

Walking together in silence for a moment, William and Julia looked around them, taking in the colorful landscape that fall offered suddenly they both stopped as once.

"Well, I guess we'll sit here then." William said.

"Yes, it seems like we will" She retorted.

Murdoch then seemed to fish for something out of some sort of saddlebag that Julia hadn't noticed before. William opened the bag and pulled a blanket out of it. She looked at him amazed and surprised.

"You never cease to surprise me, detective."

"Be prepared for every eventuality." He smirked.

Julia frowned at his words. "Are you telling me, you thought everything through?"

"No, I just hoped you'd accept to talk to me, and in case you would, it would be nice to sit on a blanket laid on colorful leafs rather than on a solid wood bench."

The pathologist couldn't help but smile at his thoughtful gesture. Once the blanket in place, William reached out his hand; she placed hers in his delicately and he helped her sit as comfortable as possible before sitting opposite her.

They sat there in silence facing one another for a long moment. The silence started to stretch, and it started to make the doctor feel uneasy, so she took a deep breath and asked.

"What was it you wanted to tell me about? Mrs. Jones, Enid, I thought her name was, right?"

William didn't answer immediately, as he seemed hypnotized by Julia's beautiful figure. All he wanted to do was pull her close to him and ravage her with kisses. He missed her so damn much.

"William?"

"Humm?"

"What was it you wanted to tell me about?"

"Oh, yes, Enid... Mrs. Jones, and I aren't seeing one another anymore."

"Oh." Was all Julia could say. Surprised by the news and though she wouldn't have admitted it, not even to herself, the news of William and Enid parting ways made her heart very happy.

"I couldn't stay with her. It wouldn't have been fair to her or to her son, Alwin." Murdoch said looking down at his index finger that was absently making circles on the blanket. He paused then, and added raising his brown eyes to look straight into her blue ones. "Not when my heart belongs to someone else..."

Julia felt her heart skip a beat with hope. Her heart swelling up with joy. But she did her best to hide the happiness she felt inside as she asked.

"And who's the person your heart belongs to, detective?" She wondered, her eyes shining.

 

TBC...


	3. Chapter 3

**_Chapter three_ **

William was about to answer her question. But seeing her like this made him smile; she was so damn beautiful when she looked at him the way she did right now. Murdoch loved the sparkle in her eyes and swore to himself that he would do everything in his power to keep it in her eyes forever.

But first, he needed some clarifications on a few things. William knew it wasn't going to be easy, but if there was the slightest hope they would get back together, they needed to push some issues through. He just hoped that she wouldn't end up hating him forever.

Taking a deep breath, William Murdoch looked straight into her eyes as he said:

"I think you know full well who my heart belongs to, Doctor."

Julia Ogden's eyes filled up with tears. "Oh, William..." she started in a broken voice, she was about to throw herself at him, but he held up his hands.

She looked at him confused and he went on to explain: "My heart will always be yours, Julia, no matter what happens. I realized that, when I kept company to Mrs. Jones – Enid – I thought, I was over you, but the truth is, I wasn't, and I never will be. I can't stop thinking about you, and all I long to do was kiss you. Hold you, talk to you to the point my mind starts playing tricks on me..."

"... Tricks on you, like we would be talking to each other, and suddenly out of nowhere we imagine kissing each other as if we were having a life in our heads" She finished for him and smiled.

William looked at her surprised and stunned that she was apparently experiencing the same things.

"You... you mean... you have those fantasy flashes too?" He asked her, still a bit stunned by her revelation.

Julia sat facing him completely mesmerized by his brown eyes she had missed for so long. Seeing each other for work was so completely different than when you spend your free time with them. At work you must restrain yourself - all you can do is show you care by a small gesture a brush of the fingers or things like that, but that's it. The same thing happens when you're in a public place, although then you had a little more liberty.

The best place to show someone how much you love them is at home, especially when you seek some body warmth. Julia realized then that she wanted nothing more than to kiss him and tell him how much he meant to her, but she sensed that it would have to wait. She was starting to know William Henry Murdoch, and right now, it seemed to her, he was troubled by something.

"Yeah, I do, and I'm glad no one other than myself can be in my head, they'd be scandalized. Some of those fantasies are pretty intense," the doctor confessed, blushing.

Murdoch smiled, but his eyes were still sad, and it made Julia's heart ache, so she decided to ask him frankly what was wrong.

William looked at the blanket for a second and then looked at Doctor Ogden again. The detective took a deep breath as he reached out for her hands before saying "Julia, first of all, I want you to know that you mean everything to me. I don't want to reopen old wounds, but I need to know... I need to know why you pushed me away after the Lillie Dunn case."

"I didn't pu..." Julia started.

William squeezed her hand a little and Julia sighed heavily. There was no use to deny it and if they wanted to be in a relationship it was better for her to tell the truth. Nothing good could come out of something based on a lie. Julia looked at their joined hands. They seemed to fit so well together, and the simple gesture made her insides warm up.

Sighing once more, she closed her eyes as a wave of mixed emotions washed over her. When she opened her beautiful blue eyes again, they were brimming with unshed tears and for a fraction of seconds, she felt angriness toward William for forcing her to bring it all up again, but the sentiment vanished as quickly as it came.

A fresh start.

Murdoch saw the pain and sadness in the beautiful woman's eyes sitting in front of him, instantly hating himself for putting her through it again. Seeing the emotions play in his eyes as well, Julia knew instantly that it hurt him as much as it did her. A small smile caressed her lips as she placed her other hand atop of his.

"The reason, I pushed you away, William, is easy. At that moment in time, I was convinced that pushing you away was the best thing to do, now however... "

Julia reached out and caressed his cheek, he leaned into her touch and closed his eyes, relishing the feeling of her fingers on his skin. He had missed this so much. A moment later, William Murdoch opened his eyes and was met by her blue ones and smiled. His smile vanished rapidly when he caught sight of the tear rolling down her cheek.

Immediately his hand joined hers on his cheek brushing the tear away with the thumb of his other.

"The reason I've pushed you away is because I can't have children anymore, William. After I got the abortion too much damage has been done..." She paused when the emotions in her voice made it crack with sorrow."

William felt his heart tighten in pain for her. His eyes watered. Doctor Ogden thought first Murdoch's grief was caused the sadness he felt because they wouldn't be able to have children together, but then she realized there was something else there. Another emotion shining in his eyes: anger.

A wave of panic took over Julia as the man she loved withdraw the hand he had placed above hers on his cheek, she felt his other hand move away from hers, only to place itself in the small of her back. His other hand on her hip. William gently pulled her toward him. As he held her close, Julia couldn't hold back her tears anymore and she cried against his chest as he murmured:

"Sssh, Julia, it's over, I'm here. It's gonna be okay now."

Timid rays of sun light appeared through the gray clouds just then, William looked up a smile on his lips and he suddenly felt much calmer inside.

 _This is God or Mother Nature's way of telling me everything is going to get better..._ he thought to himself.

Her respiration and sobs subsided after a while, and he heard her speak then.

"I wish I hadn't been so foolish and stupid." She said in a still broken voice.

"You were neither stupid nor foolish. You were in love..." William told her.

"I should have been more careful. For someone who was about to enter medical school you would think I would have been smarter."

The detective didn't say a word he just listened.

"If it hadn't been for Isaac, I wouldn't be here, anymore. The man who performed the abortion was a real butcher. I never thought, I'd ever regret the decision I made, but then..." Julia paused for a minute, as she tightened her arms a little more around him.

William however, pulled back a little, just enough so he could look at her. "I'll be forever thankful to Dr. Tach for saving your life, Julia." He said leaning in closer again to place a kiss on the top of her hair.

"Me too, William. I thought I would never regret the fact that I couldn't have children. Honestly, I didn't want to have any because I was too independent back then, but that was until I met..." her voice trailed off a little bit.

"Until what?" William asked her softly.

Now it was Dr. Ogden's turn to pull back to look at him through watery eyes and she murmured. "Until I met... you."

 

TBC..


	4. Chapter 4

**_Chapter four_ **

Murdoch's heart skipped a bit at her words. She wanted children with him. Doctor Julia Ogden wanted children with him. He could hardly believe it, but she did. He smiled down at her, his eyes shining with happiness as he captured her lips with his. William felt her tentatively respond, as if she suddenly felt ashamed. He slowly broke the kiss and pulled back once again to look at her.

"What is it, Julia?"

"I can't have children anymore, William. I know that's what you want."

Murdoch brushed his lips against hers once more before he looked at her and said, "Yes, I want children, Julia, and indeed I want a family, but what I want above all else is to be with the woman I love and that woman happens to be you."

"William…."

"I wanted to tell you all that so when you told me about what doctor Tach has done, but you didn't give me the opportunity to do so. You took the decision to break up our relationship without leaving time to say anything. I admit, abortion is against all I believe in, Julia. There is no excuse for it in my eyes, but I honestly think my love for you is stronger than anything. There are other possibilities. You were young you did what you had to do to become a doctor. I'm trying to understand that. Honestly Julia, it doesn't change any of my feelings for you, it never has. "

"Oh William..." she murmured.

"Talking is the key to every relationship, Julia"

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have assumed anything, William. Will you forgive me?"

He smiled softly at her words.

"We are here together, aren't we, Dr. Ogden?" Murdoch told her as he leaned in to press his forehead against hers. Content to be just with her in such a nice surrounding.

Mother Nature's colors were beautiful, golden, rust he loved the season though it was also a season of sadness for many people. A friend of his had lost his wife last year in November, it had devastated him. He and his wife were very much in love. Now the man was alone with a young child.

Sometimes, life could be very cruel. But it could also be very joyful. Like it was for him now with Julia in his arms again. It felt so good to be with someone again. After Lisa, William had thought, his life was over. He would never be able to get over her, what they'd had together was been so special.

When she died his world had crumbled down around him, but then he'd met Julia for him it was as God was giving another chance.

His relationship with Julia Ogden was more complicated than the one he'd had with Lisa, but it was worth every moment of it. It's interesting, she's a bright personality interested in so many things, just like he was.

A witty woman whom knew what she wanted was Julia was. And detective William realized then that he wouldn't trade her for the world, he just loved her the way she was. Nothing more and nothing less.

At times he wondered what he had done to deserve her. Whatever it was it must have been something good. He was happy to have her into his life.

"William?"

"Hmmm..."

"Is everything alright?"

"Yes Julia."

She smiled at him through her still watery eyes. "What were you thinking about?"

"I was thinking about the fact that I must have done something good at some pint to have met you."

The woman he was holding in his arms beamed with happiness. "You've done so much good, William. You've helped so many people already."

Her hand came up the caress his cheeks. That same hand travel behind his neck to finally pull him toward her for a kiss.

The response was immediate, and he closed his eyes. Their kiss was tender and slow. They let go of each other's lips only to fuse together again a moment later. This time the kiss was a little more passionate. Their third kiss surprised Julia as it was feverish. She'd never thought he had it in him. The discovery delighted her.

When they broke lip contact in much need of air, breathing heavily. If William could kiss like that Julia wondered what it would be like when they would make love to each other, to be honest, she couldn't wait to find out.

Julia knew she would have to wait because the man she loved was one of principles and religion.

They weren't going to be that kind of intimate before they were married.

 

TBC...


	5. Chapter 5

_**Chapter five** _

 

"You keep your cards really well hidden, Mr. Murdoch." She said in a mischievous tone of voice.

 

William looked at the woman in his arms as he answered, "Me, hiding my cards, Dr. Ogden why would I do such a thing?"

 

"How would I know? To seduce me even more, maybe?"

 

"Now I hadn't thought of that one yet, but this might be a very good possibility." He said a wicked mischief shining in his eyes.

 

"Oh, help me God, who is this man who holds me in his arms and please be so kind to tell me where Detective William Murdoch is." She laughed.

 

The sound of her laughter was music to William's ears, a little bit of joy in this cruel world. The detective had no intention of letting her slip away from him again, he realized that he loved her too much for letting that happen again.

 

Julia was so deliriously happy to be with William again that she wondered how she had the idea that being without him would be better for them. Her life had had no purpose when they parted. She kissed him once again before asking him if he wanted to come and drink some tea at her house. Murdoch faint to think about it which earned him a light slap on the arm from Julia.

 

"Ouch!" The man said as he couldn't help but smile. I knew I'd forgotten something when I took the blanket."

 

At his words, she laughed even more.

 

Julia Ogden tried to slowly free himself from his arms but couldn't. She looked in his brown eyes then and tilted her head and smiled. "William if you don't let me go. We will never go home and drink that tea.

 

"I know. " He answered her.

 

"Are you declining my offer then?" She wondered a bit disappointed.

 

"No."

 

"Well let me get up then."

 

"No." He answered her again.

 

"William?"

 

"I just don't want to let you go. I want to hold you in my arms forever."

 

"I wish I could stay in your arms like this forever as well, William."

 

They kissed once more before finally getting up, Julia picket up the blanket and folded neatly before handing it back to Murdoch who put it back in the bag, he had brought with him. He was happy that they had been managed to talk and that things seemed to be back to normal between them again, though it wasn't claiming victory yet.

 

Things had been too tense between them for too long to be at ease already.

 

000

 

When they entered Julia's house, Linney greeted them, very pleased to see that Detective Murdoch.

 

"Good to see you again, Detective."

 

"Likewise, Linney." He replied as he handed her his hat.

 

Dr. Ogden pulled out hatpins of her hat and handed her colorful hat to Linney as well.

 

"The parlor, miss?"

 

"Yes, Linney, and make us some tea please."

 

"Of course."

 

They both watched the maid disappear to the kitchen. Waited a moment, to be certain she was really gone. Julia turned to face the man she loved so much and smiled at him. He smiled back and step a little closer to her. Slowly his arms came around her waist while hers snaked 'round his neck.

 

"What do we do now?" He asked his voice low.

 

Julia giggled at him as she said, "Well, let's see, I think, I can come up with a thing or two, but right now, what do you think about kissing?"

 

William Murdoch tilted his head to the side fainting to think about it for a moment. He laughed before leaning in to capture her lips with his.

 

She sighed happily. They kissed slowly and tenderly enjoying being in each other's arms.

 

Julia Ogden wondered how and why she had ever questioned his feelings. She promised herself to never do it again.

 

When Linney came back, she smiled when she saw them together and decided not to disturb them. Her mistress had been so miserable since she's separated from the detective that she wanted to let them enjoy their reunion. Julia's maid highly doubted that drinking tea was on either's mind, so she carried the tray back with her in the kitchen, sure that if they wanted anything, they'd call her.

 

For now, they deserved some privacy.

 

TBC...

 

 


End file.
